The night

I need to write about what I'm feeling. This blog may not have the best use of grammar, but I will try to make sense.

It's a little after two. This use to be late for me. For the last couple of weeks, I've been going to bed later and later. I honestly don't like going to bed right now. The night time is becoming a time where my mind starts rushing with thoughts of things I'm not sure what to do with. I worry about things I don't know, things I don't understand, and things that hurt me. Things that I don't know include pretty much anything in the future, such as what job I'll have after college, where I'll live after the school year, what scholarships I'm going to have to find to help pay for school after this year, and what not. The future is an unknown. You can make plans and hopes, but essentially it's a gamble. Thinks that I don't understand include things such as my family, my relationship with my dad, my emotions, and how different my life is now than I thought it would have been. If you would have asked me a six years ago, where I saw myself in five or six years. I would have said, graduated from college, teaching. I never would have thought that I would say, still trying to finishing school, barely connected to my family, and uncertain about my future. Which leads to the things that hurt me, my relationship with my dad and that part of my family and how much my family has changed.

I'm trying to make sense of everything. I understand things change. One of my favorite quotations is "If you want to make God, simply tell him your plan" I'm a bit of a control freak in the fact that I need to feel in control of my life. I've had so many people let me down, that I need to know that I can depend on myself. For the most part, I feel like I'm doing an alright job. However, I feel lonely at time. Maybe not lonely exactly. I have a lot of people who care about me. I think it's more I feel like I need to present myself as a strong, well put together self. I feel that if I show exactly how I feel that I'm letting them down. I'm so use to having to be strong to keep people around me from crumbling apart that I'm not sure how to let go and just break down for a minute. I'm also afraid that if I give into the urge to just let go and break, that I'm not sure if I could put myself back together again.

During the day, I feel pretty good. I can keep myself distracted enough to not worry about the things that race in my head. I can understand that some of my worries are things that I don't really need to worry about. Once the night sets in and I start to relax and my mind becomes less distracted and the thoughts start to break through. It may seem silly, but I'm almost afraid to go to bed at night. Going to bed is the best time for these thoughts to run wild. I stay up to the point that I'm so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. This way there's very little time for me to be able to lay in bed before falling asleep.

I'm thinking I need to see someone about it. I've been in and out of therapy since I was in middle school. I've been dealing with this feelings (not the same thoughts or worries) but the having trouble sleeping or going to bed because of the overwhelming doubts and fears since I was young. I can't give an exact age. I can really remember it in middle school. I have my good periods where I feel functionally happy and not as worried, but they don't last forever and they don't always last a week. If I start to see someone, I need to make sure that I can commit to seeing them. I need to make sure I don't quit when I start to think I feel better. I need to remind myself that it's a process and a cycle. With my past, I've been conditioned to stop after I start to feel better. My parents would let me go to therapy for a while, but they would get bored of it or think I'm "better" and convince me to stop going. I need to make sure that I stay with it. I feel that I know myself enough to know that I will probably always deal with this. I hate calling it depression and anxiety, but that's what it is. I've seen family members with it. I have friends who struggle with it. There's no shame in it, but there's a stain. My mind starts to think of it and I can see the faces of my parents back when I was younger. They couldn't understand it, and without realizing it, they've created a stain. I feel like there's something wrong with me and that depression is something that should be able to simply overcome and since I can't just get over it, that I'm a weaker person for it. However, I don't feel this way towards my friends how struggle with it. I understand that it's something that needs help. I see their strength in seeking out help with it, and becoming stronger because of it. I don't judge them in the slightest, but how it is that I judge myself?

Okay, I think that I can go to sleep now. I just had to get this out, and kill some time to be able to fall asleep.