The night

I need to write about what I'm feeling. This blog may not have the best use of grammar, but I will try to make sense.

It's a little after two. This use to be late for me. For the last couple of weeks, I've been going to bed later and later. I honestly don't like going to bed right now. The night time is becoming a time where my mind starts rushing with thoughts of things I'm not sure what to do with. I worry about things I don't know, things I don't understand, and things that hurt me. Things that I don't know include pretty much anything in the future, such as what job I'll have after college, where I'll live after the school year, what scholarships I'm going to have to find to help pay for school after this year, and what not. The future is an unknown. You can make plans and hopes, but essentially it's a gamble. Thinks that I don't understand include things such as my family, my relationship with my dad, my emotions, and how different my life is now than I thought it would have been. If you would have asked me a six years ago, where I saw myself in five or six years. I would have said, graduated from college, teaching. I never would have thought that I would say, still trying to finishing school, barely connected to my family, and uncertain about my future. Which leads to the things that hurt me, my relationship with my dad and that part of my family and how much my family has changed.

I'm trying to make sense of everything. I understand things change. One of my favorite quotations is "If you want to make God, simply tell him your plan" I'm a bit of a control freak in the fact that I need to feel in control of my life. I've had so many people let me down, that I need to know that I can depend on myself. For the most part, I feel like I'm doing an alright job. However, I feel lonely at time. Maybe not lonely exactly. I have a lot of people who care about me. I think it's more I feel like I need to present myself as a strong, well put together self. I feel that if I show exactly how I feel that I'm letting them down. I'm so use to having to be strong to keep people around me from crumbling apart that I'm not sure how to let go and just break down for a minute. I'm also afraid that if I give into the urge to just let go and break, that I'm not sure if I could put myself back together again.

During the day, I feel pretty good. I can keep myself distracted enough to not worry about the things that race in my head. I can understand that some of my worries are things that I don't really need to worry about. Once the night sets in and I start to relax and my mind becomes less distracted and the thoughts start to break through. It may seem silly, but I'm almost afraid to go to bed at night. Going to bed is the best time for these thoughts to run wild. I stay up to the point that I'm so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. This way there's very little time for me to be able to lay in bed before falling asleep.

I'm thinking I need to see someone about it. I've been in and out of therapy since I was in middle school. I've been dealing with this feelings (not the same thoughts or worries) but the having trouble sleeping or going to bed because of the overwhelming doubts and fears since I was young. I can't give an exact age. I can really remember it in middle school. I have my good periods where I feel functionally happy and not as worried, but they don't last forever and they don't always last a week. If I start to see someone, I need to make sure that I can commit to seeing them. I need to make sure I don't quit when I start to think I feel better. I need to remind myself that it's a process and a cycle. With my past, I've been conditioned to stop after I start to feel better. My parents would let me go to therapy for a while, but they would get bored of it or think I'm "better" and convince me to stop going. I need to make sure that I stay with it. I feel that I know myself enough to know that I will probably always deal with this. I hate calling it depression and anxiety, but that's what it is. I've seen family members with it. I have friends who struggle with it. There's no shame in it, but there's a stain. My mind starts to think of it and I can see the faces of my parents back when I was younger. They couldn't understand it, and without realizing it, they've created a stain. I feel like there's something wrong with me and that depression is something that should be able to simply overcome and since I can't just get over it, that I'm a weaker person for it. However, I don't feel this way towards my friends how struggle with it. I understand that it's something that needs help. I see their strength in seeking out help with it, and becoming stronger because of it. I don't judge them in the slightest, but how it is that I judge myself?

Okay, I think that I can go to sleep now. I just had to get this out, and kill some time to be able to fall asleep.

Have You Ever Listened to the Lyrics of the Songs of Your Youth?

I'll admit I was your typical teenage girl when it comes to the music I listened. I loved 'N SYNC, Backstreet Boys, Usher, and other pop stars to which some I am ashamed to list here but still enjoy them from time to time. I have been listening to a lot of music from those years lately. The only thing is, I've realized that either the years past have given me new insight or I never really paid attention to the lyrics. I was listening to Usher's Confessions. As I listen, I let my mind start doing commentary between the lyrics and I start to crack myself up. How did these songs become so popular? It's about some idiot who is about to get blackmailed and needs to come clean to his girlfriend about a long term affair and to add salt he got the woman pregnant. I say idiot because he was stupid enough to do it in the first place and then is disillusion enough to actually think there's hope his girlfriend will stay by his side. To be fair to all my guy friends, I'm not in anyway shape or form saying all guys cheat or that only guys cheat; this is just the song I chose for tonight. I'll pick from female artist too.

I got lyrics from A-Z LYRICS (www.azlyrics.com).

Part 1
Every thing that I've been doing is all bad
I got a chick on the side with a crib and a ride
(Good, so you’ll have a place when I kick your ass to the curb)
I've been telling you so many lies ain't nothing good it's all bad
And I just wanna confess 'cause it's been going on so long
(…and you’re telling me now, why?)
Girl I've been doing you so wrong and I want you to know that
Everything that I've been doing is all bad
I got a chick on the side with a crib and a ride
I've been telling you so many lies ain't nothing good it's all bad
And I just wanna confess 'cause it's been going on so long
Girl I've been doing you so wrong and I want you to know that
[Verse 1]
Every time I was in L.A. I was with my ex-girlfriend
Every time you called I told you,
"Baby I'm working." (No!)
I was out doing my dirt (Oh!)
Wasn't thinkin' 'bout you gettin' hurt
(I) was hand in hand in the Beverly Center like man
Not givin' a damn who sees me
(And now someone saw, right?...Why else you feel like you need to say something?)
So gone (I know)
So wrong (just listen)
Acting like I didn't have you sittin' at home
(Good, so it won’t be that hard to get use to?)
Thinkin' about me
Bein' a good girl that you are
But you probably believe you got a good man
(Don’t worry, won’t confuse you for that again)
I man that never would do the things I'm about to tell you I've done
Brace yourself
It ain't good
But it would be even worse if you heard this from somebody else
(Yup, that’s what I thought, someone wants to tell on ya.)

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
If I could turn back the hands of time and start all over I would
stead of everything being all bad baby everything will be all good
(well yea, you’ve already had your fun. Really, ya think you’re ready to settle down now)
I don’t wanna lose you but I know what I'm telling you ain't gonna’ make you wanna stay, probably just make you run away or
(If the only thing I do, is walk (run) away, you’re lucky)
mad enough to punch me in my face
(Don’t grasp the gravity of the situation, cuz if ya did, your face wouldn’t be the only thing hurting)
I've been living like an idiot and I deserve every bit of it
(Damn, straight)
I know, today is the day that I end all the lying and the playing and the bullshit
(What makes you think you can just change overnight, huh?)
Girl, I'm sorry baby I'm sorry
But I can no longer walk around with this stress on my chest
(Stress from what exactly, from getting caught? Does that count?)
I confess...

[Chorus]
Can you break it down....

Part 2

Watch this...
(Who you talking to?)

[Chorus:]
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
(ya, done screwed up again?)
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
(Phrased that wrong, present tense.)
These are my confessions
Man I'm thrown and I don’t know what to do
I guess I gotta give part 2 of my confessions
(You guess…still doubting)
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
(oh, going to tell it all now…this time)
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
(Expecting…pity, sympathy?)
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
(Could tell you, but you may not like it)
But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Verse 1]
Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do
Got me talkin' to myself askin' how I'm gon' tell you
(hmmm…you could tell the truth and brace yourself, I can’t be held responsible for the pain I inflict on you)
'bout that chick on part 1 I told ya'll I was creepin' with, creepin' with
Said she's 3 months pregnant and she's keepin' it
The first thing that came to mind was you
(If you really thought of me, you wouldn’t be in this situation…it’s too late to think of me now)
Second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true
(Might want to figure out, but either way, it’s safe to assume we’re done)
Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did
(Again, too little too late)
How I ain't ready for no kid and bye bye to our relationship
(well least you’re not completely crazy and know I’m leaving)

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
Sittin here stuck on stupid, tryin to figure out
(Must been stuck on that for awhile, huh?)
When, what, and how I'ma let this come out of my mouth
Said it ain't gon' be easy
But I need to stop thinkin', contemplatin'
Be a man and get it over with (over with)
(Be what? A man? A good man wouldn’t do what you did)
I'm ridin' in my whip
Racin' to her place
Talkin' to myself
Preparin' to tell her to her face
She open up the door and didn't want to come near me
(Well, duh, you think she’s gonna welcome a cheat with open arms)
I said "one second baby please hear me"

[Chorus]

[Breakdown]
This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do
To tell you, the woman I love
That I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know
(You know her enough to have a long affair with her, should have thought a little more)
I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this
And hopefully you'll give me another chance
(Which planet are you from, really another chance?)
This ain't about my career
Yet, you use it to make a hit song...)
This ain't about my life
It's about us
Please

[Chorus]

Eye of the Storm

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Lots of exciting updates! I have successfully passed another semester of school. I’m quite excited about it. I’m that much closer to my goal. I will be transferring to IUPUI in the fall. It’ll be a great change. I’m really nervous about it. I have a ton of stuff to prepare for it. I have stuff to pack, give away or throw away. I am freaking out a little about it. My life is changing yet again. I wish I could explain how I feel. It’s sort of like I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. I can see all this fast changes, I’m just standing here watching. I’ve worked so hard to get to this point, and now I’m in the planning stage again. I hate the planning stage. It’s tedious and slow. I also try to make plans and then I have to try to rearrange the plans because life throws me a curve ball. I work fast on my feet. I love challenges, but there’s so much a gal can love before she wants to flip out.

I have a new summer job. I’m excited about starting it on Friday. I’ll be working cashier, something I know how to do. I’ll be working with people which I love and hate at the same time. I do actually like working customer service. It’s interesting and challenging and working with new people.

The job I have been working at for the last three years is coming to an end. Sadly, movie rental stores are coming to an end. There are so many different changes coming with future technology and people wanting to not deal with people. We’re moving into a stage in the society where we no longer want to deal with people. This is causing hard working people to lose their jobs, because we can’t stand walking into a store and actually having human contact. We’d much rather just order it online or off our tv. I have friends who feel this way and it drives me crazy. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to offend them, but I wish people could see what they’re doing. I’m not saying I don’t have any part in this. I know I’ve ordered things online and that I have on occasion gone through the self check out lines. I try to make sure that when I can I try to work with a person. Our service is what keeps their jobs.

Alright off my high horse.

I’ll write later. I hope you all have a great day. I am excited about all the changes this summer, I’m just cautious because of all the beautifully damaging storms in the past.

Time increases the ability in which we can deal with the pain.

I hate the phrase "Time heals all pain" or any phrase similar to it. I understand it's meant to be comforting. I'll admit I've used it also. However, I don't believe it's true. I don't believe time heals. I believe in time we condition and can handle the pain. If anyone has been in sports, the sport itself doesn't get easier, you'll just able to preform better. I use to be in swimming. Believe me swim practice never got easier. After enough time, my muscles and mind learned to handle more, kick faster, swim longer, breathe more effectively. I feel that the pain we feel is similar to that. Now there is pain we heal from broken bones, our first crush, and similar growing pains. However, when we lose a loved one that is a completely different pain. I feel like I lost more than my mom. I lost part of my future, and a huge part of my present.

It's been five years. I have learned to handle a lot of pain since there. I wouldn't say it has gotten easier. My family has changed drastically. I struggle with trying to decide how I fit in the family that I have now. It is by no means the same family I had when my mom was alive. My dad has remarried. My stepmother has three daughters which means I have three stepsisters. With the stepsisters, there are more people living in my dad's house. My stepsisters' boyfriends and I believe another one of their friends lives there. Also, two of my stepsisters has daughters. One of my younger brothers is a boy school for breaking into houses. My youngest brother has to live in the house and is exposed to more than I want to know. I know that some of the people in the house has been convicted of criminal acts or at the very least arrested. I really hate that my youngest brother is exposed to that. I don't know where I fit in this family. I'm not sure I do.

I try to focus on the good things in my life. I have to focus on the positives in my life. If I don't, I don't think I could survive. I have great friends who I have a ball with. They love me and respect me and support me. They are my family. I know that they would do anything in their power to help me, and I would do the same for them. Last week, I was reminded of how much my friends help me. My car broke down on Easter. Tim was up here visiting with my family, and my car broke down before we were able to get back to Tim's. Tim helped keep me calm. I was so close to breaking down in sobs and wasn't sure what I was going to do. He helped make arrangements to get my car fixed which actually changed throughout the week. It was crazy, and I had friends who helped pick me up from work. My grandmother let me borrow her car since she was out of town. I firmly believe that this week was my Easter present to remind me that I have people who love and support me. I think that maybe I was forgetting that. I'm ashamed to say that at times I get so caught up in what I've lost or everything that I have going on that I forget that I'm not alone. I have so many people who are willing to help me. I just need to learn to accept help when I need and to rest when I need it.

Talking about rest, I think I'm going to do just that. Relax and rest.

Love you all, thanks for reading!!! Please comment!!

Awaken by a Black Hole

I'm writing because I woke up with this gut wrenching pain of an empty stomach. I thought I'd try to be productive since I can't sleep. I figured I'd brag about Tim since he completely impressed me today while rock climbing.

There's a route on the wall that looks like a three steps upside down  and then about 9 feet of straight climbing to the ceiling. As a climber, you have to crawl up them. It's quite a challenging route. When I did it, when I got to the straight climb, my entire body was shaking. Tim and Scott were cheering me on and I couldn't move. "You can do it. You're almost there" They shouted. "I'll do it as soon as I can get my legs to stop shaking!" I shouted back. My knee was shaking so hard that I had bruises where it hit the wall repeatedly. When Scott let me down, they were afraid that I wasn't able to stand on my own. To be honest, I wasn't sure either.

Okay, I said I was going to brag about Tim so here goes. Today, he tried that same route and fell a few times. He decided that he's try it again later after climbing a few other routes. I wasn't sure if he was going to, but I hoped he would. He was getting so close! After climbing a few more routes, he decided to go again. This time I was belaying him. Our new climbing buddy, Justin, was earlier. As Tim started the climb, he was hitting every hold nicely. I was quite pleased that he actually listened to my advice about one of the trickier holds on the second step. (A guy who's not afraid to listen to a woman's advice, got to love it!!!) As he was getting over the last step, he started to hesitate. I thought he was going to let go. I yelled "OH NO, YOU CAN DO IT!" He says that's what gave him the final push. I don't know about it, but my heart leaped when I saw his arms pull and legs push and he made it to the straight climb. It was AWESOME to see. I was so excited that he finished it. He wanted to do something he hasn't done yet today, and he did. I couldn't get the clips undone fast enough. I wanted to give a huge hug that he deserved. It was amazing. I understand how he feels when I beat a route that I'm struggling with.


Alright, I could brag more about more he's done, but I'll save it for another blog. I just had to get this one out. I couldn't have been happier to see him finish that route!!!

Memories Just Sneak Up On Us

Disclaimer: I'm writing this to vent about my feelings. After typing it all out, I may not have the energy to proof it before posting it. I will try to proof it later. Please forgive any errors.


I'm listening to music that I loved and addicted to when I was younger. Music from my teen years, which began ten years ago. Geeze that seems like such a long time ago. So much as has happened. I can't believe how time changes. I'm twenty three years old and still have so much to learn. I'm twenty three years old and have gone through so much. It amazes me sometimes that I was able to survive. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have been able to if it weren't for my friends, family and my faith.

I miss my mom. I was nineteen years old when she passed away. I was a junior in high school.She was diagnosed with breast cancer 22 months before that. She fought hard and showed me more strength than I knew was possible. She taught up until she could physically no longer. She went to work even with a walker. She would always say that she was incredibly bless with what she had. Her faith was so rock solid and strong. I couldn't believe how strong she was.

My mom and I fought ALL the time. I was twelve when I met her. She was actually kinda worried about taking my brother and me in. It was only suppose to be a for a week. The foster family that I was living with was going on vacation and couldn't afford to take the foster children they cared for with them. As the week progressed, our case worker asked if my parents were consider adopting us. My biological mother's rights were in the process of being terminated, and my case worker was looking for an adoptive family in case it went through. It wasn't a sure thing, but with the history he was fairly confident that it would turn out for the better. He was right, and my biological mother's rights were indeed terminated. I'm not exactly sure about the time line at this point and it's not entirely important for the purpose of this blog. I came to live with my parents in 99 and was adopted the summer before my freshman year (2002). ...Wow, she was legally only my mom for three years before she passed away...Sorry it just clicked. She of course was my mom starting the moment she and my dad asked if it would be okay if they adopted us.

I know there are so many times that I would rant about how unfair she was and how I couldn't believe what she was making me do, but I miss her. I would do things just to piss her off. I had a pair brown plaid pants. I often called them the mud plaid pants. My mom hated them. "You need to throw those away; they're very out of date." I'd shrug or say okay, and then I'd put them on the bottom of my drawer and wait a few weeks before wearing them again. She also had a firm belief that black and blue don't match, so what did I do? Darn straight, I wore black slacks and a nice blue shirt. She liked my hair short; I wore it long. (I grew up with long hair and I loved my long hair. Major perk that she liked it short lol)

I do have some nice memories of her of course. I do remember one time we where clothes shopping. Shopping was an experience with my mom. Many people when they shop stroll through the store and look at different items and what not. My mom it was a power walking marathon. The first time that I shopped with her I practically had to jog to keep up with her. She was a strictly a go in get what we need and get out shopper. If you can't find it at one store, you don't waste time looking around; you move on the next one. I do have to thank her for my great legs. Power walking is some major exercise. However, back to the happy memory. We were shopping and lunch time came around. We went to Chili's for lunch. It was my first time at Chili's. I couldn't believe how big their sandwiches were. I could barely finish half of it. Although I can't really remember what talked about, I remember feeling specially that we were having lunch just the two of us.

I miss talking to her. It didn't happen terribly often which makes it that much sadder. I remember thinking that it's just the teen years, and when we got past that we'd have a great relationship. I feel so cheated that I can't have a physical relationship with her now. I still talk to her from time to time. I still hear her voice in the back of my head. Sometimes it's helpful. Sometimes it's just as annoying as it was when she was here. However that comforts me a little. It helps that I can be annoyed with her. I mean a little annoyance is part of a healthy relationship especially between a mother and daughter.

It hurts to think about what she's missing. I can't introduce her to Tim. He can only know her through the stories that I tell him which are stained with the bias of a teenager. I can't introduce her to my friends. She couldn't see me walk down the isle to get my high school diploma. I graduated with Academic Honors Diploma which means instead of graduating with 40 credits I graduated with 47 that were specifically designated. She actually wasn't sure if I should try for it. I have dyslexia. Well technically by legal terms I don't. I scored a point above the legal diagnoses of it which disqualified me for additional help in school. She thought it would be too hard and that I would be disappointed when I couldn't do it. SO of course, I wasn't going to let that stop me. I also hate that she won't be there on my wedding day (Lord willing if he blesses me with that honor). I know we'd probably fight over the style of dress or the colors I pick out, but she'd be there. On the other hand, I can see her being very proud and helping me out every step of the way.

I know she still helps me out now and then. There have been times that I should have been late for something and I get there on the nick of time or helped me out of a speeding ticket on the way to a job interview. I still feel her around occasionally. It's less frequent now than it was at first. I miss her and still strive to make her proud of me. I just hope that I'm succeeding.

I will probably write more about her as time goes by. Especially in the next month or two. April 11 will be five years. Every time I think about how long it's been, it shocks me. I can't believe it's been five years. On one hand it feels so much longer, but at the same time it feels just like it was yesterday. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away.

Since it's about three in the morning now, I think I'm going to lay down. I shall write later. Next blog will be happier hopefully

Amazed by People

I work at a local retail store. Last night while working it was jam packed. My coworker and I had customer after customer. There was a continuous line from about 530pm to about 9p. She and I were working as fast as we can. I understand no one likes to wait in a line, however there is no reason to take it your frustration out on the cashiers especially when you can see they're working as hard as they can. My coworker and I were checking out each member as fast as we could. I even caught myself skipping some of the questions we are to ask all members to try to get them in and out.

I've been working in retail since I was sixteen. As I've changed jobs a few times, I've noticed one common theme occurring no matter which place I work. Many people have little respect for the person behind the counter. I understand my clients come from all walks of life. Some are lawyers, nurses, doctors, construction workers, single parents, kids, and the list goes on. I try not to judge the people I see in my line. Just because you are currently an unemployed single parent or a doctor does not mean you're any better or worse than the next person in my line. I try to keep everything as fair as possible and treat all my clients the same.

I understand that I am a twenty-something year old cashier. However, that's not who I am. I am a person with goals and working as hard as I can to achieve those goals. I feel that many people when they come to my line can see that. What frustrates me are the people who come in my line and look down on me because I'm just a cashier. I'm simply there to serve them and if I don't preform to the level which they see fit then I simply fail. I see these people every day whether I am working or not. You see them too. When you're in the store and they're yelling at the cashier in front of you or while they're walking away they start talking about the cashier while still in clear view of the cashier. I have so many people who start talking about me before the door can hit them in the ass. I understand if I did something that you think is worthy of talking about and if it makes you feel better to make fun of me but have the decency to do it out of ear shot. This isn't my career; this isn't who I am; this is simply what I have to do to become who I want to be.

I know that I am not perfect. I know I've done these actions in the past. I try not to and I hate that I sometimes fall to this level. I just find it so horrible to see how frequent this behavior has become throughout the society. I even see children who follow this behavior because it's what they see from their parents. We have this idea that the customer is always right and if you can't give me what I want then I will simply go somewhere else. THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!!!! I'm sorry, but customers, you are only human and therefore will be wrong at least on a rare occasion. If you can't bring a movie back on time, then it is not my fault you have the late fee. I did not lock you in your house, so you couldn't bring back the movie. I didn't let the air out of your tires so you couldn't drive out. Take the late fee you earned and suck it up. AND if you can't bring the movie back in five days, then how do you expect to be able to bring it back the next day!! I mean come on now!

Okay, I'll step down now. I just had to rant a little. I had a crazy night last night and needed to vent  a little. Thanks for reading. I hope you were able to laugh a little. Next time you're in line, just show a little appreciation to the person behind the counter. Without them, you wouldn't be able to buy the goods you want.