Disclaimer: I'm writing this to vent about my feelings. After typing it all out, I may not have the energy to proof it before posting it. I will try to proof it later. Please forgive any errors.
I'm listening to music that I loved and addicted to when I was younger. Music from my teen years, which began ten years ago. Geeze that seems like such a long time ago. So much as has happened. I can't believe how time changes. I'm twenty three years old and still have so much to learn. I'm twenty three years old and have gone through so much. It amazes me sometimes that I was able to survive. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have been able to if it weren't for my friends, family and my faith.
I miss my mom. I was nineteen years old when she passed away. I was a junior in high school.She was diagnosed with breast cancer 22 months before that. She fought hard and showed me more strength than I knew was possible. She taught up until she could physically no longer. She went to work even with a walker. She would always say that she was incredibly bless with what she had. Her faith was so rock solid and strong. I couldn't believe how strong she was.
My mom and I fought ALL the time. I was twelve when I met her. She was actually kinda worried about taking my brother and me in. It was only suppose to be a for a week. The foster family that I was living with was going on vacation and couldn't afford to take the foster children they cared for with them. As the week progressed, our case worker asked if my parents were consider adopting us. My biological mother's rights were in the process of being terminated, and my case worker was looking for an adoptive family in case it went through. It wasn't a sure thing, but with the history he was fairly confident that it would turn out for the better. He was right, and my biological mother's rights were indeed terminated. I'm not exactly sure about the time line at this point and it's not entirely important for the purpose of this blog. I came to live with my parents in 99 and was adopted the summer before my freshman year (2002). ...Wow, she was legally only my mom for three years before she passed away...Sorry it just clicked. She of course was my mom starting the moment she and my dad asked if it would be okay if they adopted us.
I know there are so many times that I would rant about how unfair she was and how I couldn't believe what she was making me do, but I miss her. I would do things just to piss her off. I had a pair brown plaid pants. I often called them the mud plaid pants. My mom hated them. "You need to throw those away; they're very out of date." I'd shrug or say okay, and then I'd put them on the bottom of my drawer and wait a few weeks before wearing them again. She also had a firm belief that black and blue don't match, so what did I do? Darn straight, I wore black slacks and a nice blue shirt. She liked my hair short; I wore it long. (I grew up with long hair and I loved my long hair. Major perk that she liked it short lol)
I do have some nice memories of her of course. I do remember one time we where clothes shopping. Shopping was an experience with my mom. Many people when they shop stroll through the store and look at different items and what not. My mom it was a power walking marathon. The first time that I shopped with her I practically had to jog to keep up with her. She was a strictly a go in get what we need and get out shopper. If you can't find it at one store, you don't waste time looking around; you move on the next one. I do have to thank her for my great legs. Power walking is some major exercise. However, back to the happy memory. We were shopping and lunch time came around. We went to Chili's for lunch. It was my first time at Chili's. I couldn't believe how big their sandwiches were. I could barely finish half of it. Although I can't really remember what talked about, I remember feeling specially that we were having lunch just the two of us.
I miss talking to her. It didn't happen terribly often which makes it that much sadder. I remember thinking that it's just the teen years, and when we got past that we'd have a great relationship. I feel so cheated that I can't have a physical relationship with her now. I still talk to her from time to time. I still hear her voice in the back of my head. Sometimes it's helpful. Sometimes it's just as annoying as it was when she was here. However that comforts me a little. It helps that I can be annoyed with her. I mean a little annoyance is part of a healthy relationship especially between a mother and daughter.
It hurts to think about what she's missing. I can't introduce her to Tim. He can only know her through the stories that I tell him which are stained with the bias of a teenager. I can't introduce her to my friends. She couldn't see me walk down the isle to get my high school diploma. I graduated with Academic Honors Diploma which means instead of graduating with 40 credits I graduated with 47 that were specifically designated. She actually wasn't sure if I should try for it. I have dyslexia. Well technically by legal terms I don't. I scored a point above the legal diagnoses of it which disqualified me for additional help in school. She thought it would be too hard and that I would be disappointed when I couldn't do it. SO of course, I wasn't going to let that stop me. I also hate that she won't be there on my wedding day (Lord willing if he blesses me with that honor). I know we'd probably fight over the style of dress or the colors I pick out, but she'd be there. On the other hand, I can see her being very proud and helping me out every step of the way.
I know she still helps me out now and then. There have been times that I should have been late for something and I get there on the nick of time or helped me out of a speeding ticket on the way to a job interview. I still feel her around occasionally. It's less frequent now than it was at first. I miss her and still strive to make her proud of me. I just hope that I'm succeeding.
I will probably write more about her as time goes by. Especially in the next month or two. April 11 will be five years. Every time I think about how long it's been, it shocks me. I can't believe it's been five years. On one hand it feels so much longer, but at the same time it feels just like it was yesterday. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away.
Since it's about three in the morning now, I think I'm going to lay down. I shall write later. Next blog will be happier hopefully
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